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How to React to a College Rejection

The day is finally here! After stalking Harvard’s forum on College Confidential every other minute for the past 4 months, your decision is coming tomorrow. You close your eyes, picturing yourself walking among your classmates, specifically asking them whether they got in, knowing you were the only one to be admitted from your school. You open your eyes, navigate to the Harvard online store, and order one of each type of hoodie, t-shirt, diploma frame, lanyard, coffee mug, alumni license frame, and baby singlet.

The day of confirmation is here. You visit Harvard’s decision site, and refresh it incessantly until a login shows up. (you know it opens up at 5 pm, but you begin this refreshing at 8 am when you wake up). After 9 long hours, a login opens up. You login in, and:

Dear Mr. Gardon,

We deeply regret to inform you that we are unable to accept the privilege of admitting you to Harvard College this year.

This decision in no way affects our view of you as a talented and accomplished human being. Although you spent 100-plus hours doing volunteering in the reception room of a highly profitable hospital, spent a summer doing ground-breaking “research” in coffee logistics at your local university, and had your parents set up a clearly legitimate non-profit in your name to deliver refurbished Beats by Dre to third world children, we are unable to offer you a spot due to severe space limitations. This year was our most competitive applicant pool in history, although you probably wouldn’t have stood a chance any other year.

We are sure you will be almost as successful at a vastly lesser university such as Stanford or Yale, and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours.

With best wishes,

Harvard Rejection Committee

 

Here are the 10 things you should do to deal with rejection:

  1. Call admissions and just confirm that what you are seeing is due to a cruel technical glitch.
  2. Have your father call the dean, threatening to take away his “anonymous charitable donations” if this decision is not reversed.
  3. Adamantly deny ever applying to Harvard when someone tries asking you if you were accepted.
  4. If they remember your nonstop chatter over the Harvard application for the past 3 years, insist that Harvard is overrated and wasn’t the right fit for you and just didn’t make sense financially. Then, angrily drive off in your Porsche.
  5. Remember, you’re a white upper class male, you had no chance at Harvard.
  6. Share an article on Facebook that explains how the Ivies are a scam.
  7. Share another article explaining how college is a scam.
  8. Burn all the Harvard related gear you hastily bought in a bonfire.
  9. Keep telling yourself that your best friend who did get in cheated and relinquish your friendship forever.
  10. Begin to make plans to attend Harvard Law School.
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A Solution to New Year’s Re-Solutions

Now that you’re done stuffing your face with Grandma’s frosted sugar cookies till you utterly despise yourself, let’s turn our attention towards New Year’s Resolutions. In a few days, we’ll make completely reasonable goals including: reducing our diet to four celery sticks with an occasional treat of molasses sweetened, USDA organic-certified, fair-trade horse dung, or perhaps paying off all student loans, mortgages, governmental and credit card debt*.

And yes, these goals will naturally be somewhat difficult to achieve. They are resolutions and they will necessitate** resolve. Two months in, the mere sight of chocolate will leave hapless bystanders slipping in puddles of your drool and salivation. You will question yourself, the strength of your character, the legitimacy of your goal, the ability of our democracy to endure against cartoonishly rotund North Korean dictators, and most importantly, the health of your clearly hyperactive salivary glands. But fear not.*** With advanced visualization techniques pioneered by paradigm-shifting, naked Himalayan Yogis (photoshop), you too can achieve your wildest dreams.

First, you must enter a state of undisturbed tranquility, achievable through one legged meditation (or alternately, ecstasy). Next, you must entertain your fantasies by visualizing yourself squeezing into size zero skinny jeans or shitting all over your credit card debt. This practice may seem strange and cultish to your average Joe. Well, the average Joe is an idiot, so ignore his dumbass. Now that we have eliminated all traces of self-doubt, you will find yourself magically abiding by your New Year’s Resolutions. This svelte, debt-free tantric vision of yourself will guide you towards prosperity.

For far too long, New Year’s Resolutions have remained unattainable dreams, dangling their sweet rewards in front of your salivating face. But you can finally say goodbye to the shortcomings of yesteryear. With our disruptive visualization technology (patent pending), you can now slay your dragons and achieve your goals, or as Lance Armstrong once said, “Anything is possible if you work hard, believe in your dreams, and habitually ingest performance enhancing drugs of dubious legality.”

*Just kidding. This is a serious article and such outlandish humor shall not be entertained nor tolerated.

**Unnecessarily fancy word

***Ok, maybe check out those Frankenstein-ish glands.

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Is Politician Next Coming of Jesus?

As the latest election cycle whooshes by, let’s take a moment to remember a fallen hero, who, for the sake of anonymity, we shall call Rhoe Cunnah. He battled another congress member, who, again for the sake of anonymity and to avoid offending delicate and prissy folks, we shall call Myke Hawnda. Any resemblance to real-life figures is purely coincidental and a blasphemous creation of the bigoted reader’s imagination. Backed by benevolent corporate interests, Cunnah made respectable but realistic goals. Case in point, instead of promising to eradicate world hunger, find a cure for cancer, murder Canadian drug lords, and valiantly slay the SAT in hand to hand combat in a ludicrous three month time span, Cunnah sensibly extended his window to six months. Unlike Hawnda, who has passed exactly one piece of legislation in 11 years of his brave and courageous “service”, renaming a Post Office (after someone of his own kind no less)*. Hawnda had planned this historic and overwhelming task to be done in his first 3 terms, but due to unforeseen gridlock in our great lower house on this contentious partisan issue, this only happened in his 4th term.

With this kind of honest talk, it’s no wonder bright eyed high schoolers were immediately attracted and dreamily marched door to door espousing the virtues of the next coming of Jesus Christ. Some haters have pointed out that these high school folk were only backing Cunnah because of his pigmented brown suit and tie, a genetic trait which they both shared and common in a certain subcontinent. Clearly they’re racists. They sicken us. As the campaign picked up speed and made unlikely allies of skinny Indian beanpoles and Peter Thiel**, politicians and the poor yearning masses alike looked upon the Bae Area’s congressional race as a possible battleground for an infusion of technological innovation into a stale, lawyer-infested Congress.***

But alas, the miracle fell short and thousands of impassioned souls wept bitterly as tears gushed out of their eyeballs, flooding the streets of the Bae Area. As these pitiful supporters cried themselves to sleep with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, the political system took a forceful blow to the crotch. A grassroots movement had failed to reach its promising fruition and the incumbent had greedily, undemocratically held on for another term. A real tragedy considering that Rhoe was not just another politician whose followers fervently believed that he would be unlike every other politician who started a grassroots movement with devoted followers who believed their politician was singularly unique, immune to corporate bastards. No, Rhoe was legitimately the son of god, assuming DNA evidence is not falsified, and its a pity that we couldn’t have a politician with the divine right to govern.†

*Gordon N. Chan Post Office Building, for those of you who wish to examine his handiwork.

**I mean Peadrre Theele, a fabulously wealthy, but of course fictional, venture capitalist.

***Please ignore the fact that Rhoe Cunnah is also a lawyer. He has a pigmented brown suit and tie clearly indicating his technological and mathematical prowess.

†Wait, that sounds familiar…

 

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Quote of the Day: November 17th

“What fascinates me is the way that the political right in this country has sort of absorbed Jesus and made Jesus their own icon. The Jesus of history is a Middle Eastern Jew who advocated free healthcare and fed the poor. That’s the nightmare of Bill O’Reilly! That’s about the exact opposite of everything Bill O’Reilly thinks.”

– Reza Aslan

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Quote of the Day: November 14th

“What I can tell you is over the last three and a half years, I spent a lot of my days on the phones with CEOs and recruiting jobs to this state. I can honestly say I have not had one conversation with a single CEO about the Confederate flag [currently flown over the South Carolina State House].”

– Nikki Haley, Governor of South Carolina

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Quote of the Day: November 11th

“That’s why I say, I, like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the tax payers looking to bail out, but ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping tho— uh, oh, it’s got to be all about job creation too, shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as— competitive, um, scary thing, but one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.”

– Sarah Palin